This year's Invasion Day rally in Naarm has made me have to stop, and take stock. And I am not talking on a broader scale, where the prospect of gathering is terrifying because some alleged terrorist bombed the Boorloo rally. This is more personal.
Following the Naarm rally, I went down with heat sickness for the first time in my entire life. For those who don't know me well, this was a real turn-up for the books because I, notoriously, have always coped well with hot weather. Indeed, I relish it, and when others are dropping around me, I am still going strong. What's more, it wasn't actually a "hot" day on the 26/1 - for the majority of the rally, the temperature stayed below 30 degrees. But one of my fellow organisers noticed me struggling at Flinders Street, and checked in with me later because they were worried. When I was incredibly ill the following day, I marvelled at their observation skills - they foresaw my situation well before I recognised it.
It was when, however, the symptoms of heat sickness dragged on for a week, and indeed, two, that I realised something else was going on. I dealing with continual waves of heat hitting my body, and knocking me around. I had never had a hot flush, so hence, didn't know that's what was hitting me. But there have been additional problems too. I've been struggling with anxiety and depression, getting tremors and pulpitations, and the neuropathy in my left foot/leg has simply exploded. No existing medications have been helping me.
To a degree, I could explain the anxiety and depression. After all, an old friend died prior to the rally, and I was trying to process this sad event while navigating racist Australia. But a certain amount of my symptoms were not remotely explainable.
There is footage of me reading out the statement from Warriors of the Aboriginal Resistance that was taken from Pedestrian TV. If you watch it closely, focussing on my hands, you can see that though my voice is mainly strong and full of conviction, my hands are shaking uncontrollably. Indeed, at one point, my shaking was so bad that I was actually unable to turn the pages and had to keep trying.
I am an accomplished public speaker. Yes, I get nervous before I address a crowd, but I have never before experienced tremors like this. Ever. It took me nearly 30 minutes to get rid of them, so it wasn't as simple as nervousness - something else had tripped my system and physically, I was not coping.
These same tremors have occurred twice since then. The first time was when I was calmly sitting outside, waiting to go into my friend's funeral. The second was when I rode my bike home from Aldi with some groceries in the basket. In the case of the latter, I couldn't unpack my basket for a number of minutes, so lucky there wasn't icecream or similar amongst my haul. In all these instances, I felt like a beta-blocker wouldn't have gone astray because I had no control. When the tremors were also coupled with palpitations (outside the funeral), I actually got very scared for my health.
These three tremor events have utterly nothing in common. Sure, each of them happened at a time of stress, but the types of stress tripping this reaction are starkly different (eg: grief versus physical exertion). I have had to take stock. In my reckoning, this reaction means that I am dealing with some deeply embedded physiological or psychological condition that gets triggered by the addition of some form of stress, and I am therefore needing to be more careful.
Then I looked at a calendar. Judging by what my "normal" has been since I was 13, around the date of Invasion Day, I was due to menstruate. Over two weeks later, I still haven't. It's not the first time I have ever skipped, but it's certainly been a unique experience this time around. I have actually had an increase in symptoms consistent with the onset of menopause. Doctor google confirmed for me that tremors, anxiety and neuropathy can all form part of this journey, and given I am also getting multiple hot flushes per day, I am recently certain my body is adjusting to the "end game" of this process. Also, I am 48 in two months, and I have had perimenopause symptoms for a few years now, so I think this is a reasonable conclusion for me to make.
It's not as simple as me just "pushing on". No medication I currently have is alleviating my symptoms. At best, painkillers and nerve blockers have merely taken the edge off. And my quality of life is suffering. If it's not a physical ailment, I am finding it harder to leave the house right now mentally. I therefore need to give myself the space to find support and remedies, so I can get some vitality and normal function back.
I have a doctor's appointment this week. I am hoping that, from there, we are able to build a plan going forward to make things better. For now though, I need the time and space to do as stated.
As such, I ask that people give me that time. Please don't ask me to speak at rallies, or even to attend them, until I can give notification that I can again. My body is in no state right now for me to be putting it on the line. Know that I stand strongly, and/or in solidarity, with mob, with Palestine, with renters, with immigrants, with the working class, and etc. Also know that I am doing everything I can to get myself back on deck, activism-wise. I will always be working behind the scenes regardless. It's just who I am.
Cheers!
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